Hello there!  Zac “Bisquick” Logsdon here once again with another installment of my ever-so-famous “Let’s pretend like people care what I think,” series.  As you’ll recall, a few weeks ago I brought you an essay titled, “Things Bisquick Likes.”  And at that time, I promised a follow-up with the above title.  Therefore, today’s blog will feature a few things that Bisquick doesn’t like.  I’ve always been taught that you never say you don’t like something or that you hate it.  You say, “I don’t care for it, ” or “It’s not my favorite.”  But titling this blog, “Things That Aren’t Bisquick’s Favorites” sounded a little strange.  Just didn’t have the same ring to it.

So, without further ado…  Things that aren’t my favorites:

1. Peanut Butter

Okay, so let me start off by saying that peanut butter is the antichrist.  Seriously, I hate it that much.  In fact, since I’ve never actually met the antichrist, I’m not 100% convinced that equating the two isn’t an insult to the antichrist.  The thought of peanut butter makes me want to vomit.  The look of it and the smell of it send me over the edge.  There is seriously nothing in the world more repulsive than this sorry excuse for a food product.  There is no food in the world that I would choose peanut butter over.  If given the option of peanut butter or fried monkey brains, plug in the fry-daddy cuz I’ll be feasting on primate.  One time my son ate some peanut butter right before I was leaving.  I leaned down to give him a kiss and he burped peanut butter into my mouth.  It was the single worst moment of my life.

2. George Washington Carver

He invented peanut butter.  Need I say more?

3. Bad Grammar

This is one that makes me appear to be cocky and arrogant because I frequently correct people’s grammar.  Know what is more annoying than people that use incorrect grammar?  People that correct those people.  I fall in that category.  I realize it’s rude.  But I can’t help it.  Bad grammar drives me absolutely crazy.  We seen some people the other day and they was using bad grammar a lot.   I asked ‘em how they was doin’ and they said they was doin’ good.  Then I said, “Can I have one of them cookies?”

Okay so that’s obvious stuff.  But what makes me bad is that it even bothers me when people break the weird, obscure rules of grammar that no one even knows.  For instance, you ALWAYS use “were” if it’s preceded by “if” or “I wish.”  So it’s incorrect to say, “I wish I was better at grammer.”  Or, “If I was in Zac’s presence right now, I’d kick the crap out of him for being so pretentious.”  See, that’s incorrect.

Also, the word “anyway” NEVER has an “s” on the end.

4. Alcohol

For those that know me, this comes as no surprise.  I don’t like the taste of alcohol.  Never have and I doubt I ever will.  I’ve tried sips of a wide array of alcoholic beverages ranging from beer to wine to mixed drinks and if there’s even a hint of the taste of alcohol in it, it’s fairly repulsive to me.  Therefore, if you’ve ever seen me drink anything alcoholic, it’s probably something that all males and most females would be embarrassed to admit they drink… Smirnoff Ice or Mike’s Hard Lemonade.  Those are the only things I’ve ever tried that don’t taste like alcohol.  For added effect, I sometimes drink them with a straw.

5. Bad Fonts

I hate bad fonts.  And the worst of all bad fonts?  Comic Sans (shown above).  I think the use of comic sans should be against the law.  I don’t know whose idea it was to make that a standard font on all computers but whoever did it was only slightly more intelligent than the thousands of people that use it on EVERYTHING they produce.  But it doesn’t start or end with comic sans.  There are hundreds more.  Papyrus, for example.  Terrible, terrible font that gets way overused.  Cooper Black is another awful one.  Apple Chancery make me want to stick ice picks in my eyes.  The general rule around Old Hat is that if the client has that font on their computer, don’t use it.  Especially anything quirky because chances are, every single one of those fonts can be found in an archived PowerPoint presentation somewhere on that person’s computer.

Okay… that’s enough from me.  You now know what I like and what I don’t like.  I look forward to receiving lots of peanut butter and red wine with labels that utilize bad grammar and terrible fonts.  Please check back tomorrow for some actual useful information brought to you by our own Duffy Schmidt.

Tags: antichrist, comic sans, george washington carver, grammar, mike's hard lemonade, peanut butter, smirnoff ice

This entry was posted on Monday, June 23rd, 2008 at 11:01 pm and is filed under Old Hat, Zac Logsdon. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.